I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and wondering why things are working out the way they are and feeling frustrated over lack of progress with getting to transfer, and wanting to be in another place than I am right now... But I found something the other day that was a really good reality check - I AM EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.

We may not always like the way the chips fall, and the detours along the way - but each unexpected twist in the path is what makes us who we are, our experiences mold and shape us in the person we are, and will become. I am more open to hearing that still small voice than I was a few months ago, I am LISTENING again - so maybe that is enough, maybe that is the point. Who knows now, maybe I will never know, but I do believe that even when it feels like things aren't going the way you want them to, they are going the way they are supposed to.

My reminder to myself:
Believe you are being lead with a purpose, with a direction and that although you may not be able to see clearly the path laid out before you, believe you ARE exactly where you are supposed to be, and that the end of the journey will bring you the dreams of your heart.

I’m on the last couple days of Provera, and my period will most likely be here soon. I am moving forward with getting the hysterosalpingogram done within a week of AF starting… I have been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking lately about my journey and where my heart is. I am not 100% certain which way things will go for me in the near future. I have told T&I that all of these cycling issues have me feeling pretty stressed out, and the meds themselves have made me feel poorly. Mainly I just keep wondering if I am really the right person for their little totsicles last chance. I want them to have the BEST chance possible, and I worry with all the issues I’ve had whether or not that really is me… Whatever happens, having the HSG done will be reassuring, to verify that everything looks good with me and my tubes.

I will be fully off meds of all kinds this next month, and think that will definitely be a good thing for my body! I’m looking forward to seeing how different I feel once they’re all out of my system!

They kept me on meds over the weekend and re-checked today. After all those meds and 4 more days my lining didn’t do ANYTHING. My labs were higher, but my endometrium hadn’t changed. Obviously this isn’t working. Dr. Cho is going to do another chart review, and talk to my IPs, and we’ll figure out what they want to do from there. There is the possibility of adding vaginal Viagra in for the next cycle, but I’d have to fly up to NJ on cycle day 10 for a vaginal wash – I guess I just wait to see what the RE and T&I feel is the best for everyone, and we go from there. I am SO sad, all the way down to my core, that things are turning out this way. I want this to work out SO badly, for them, for me, for all of us… they mean SO much to me, and I just feel that I am letting us all down, and it breaks my heart. We are all praying hard for some answers, some guidance. I will update as soon as I hear what’s next. For now, I am stopping at the pharmacy tonight to pick up Provera and get that going…

At least it feels that way, in my heart… I just don’t understand what is going on with me… no one does which makes it that much more frustrating. But here I am, with an update that my lining went down to a 5.1mm and there was fluid again. I sent Terri at Cooper an e-mail, and will wait for their instructions but I’m sure this cycle is canceled and I’ll start meds to induce a period and we’ll go from there… sigh… what else is there to say? This has been such a long and hard road already; I just know there has to be some sort of silver lining and reason for it all…

I had another lining check yesterday to see what was going on, and if I’m making progress. My lining has grown from a 3.4 last Friday to a 5.3mm as of yesterday, and the pattern is a B+ (Cooper considers that triple striped). So it’s looking better! I got a phone call at 4:00pm that Cooper hadn’t received results yet, and I went into a brief panic trying to get a hold of someone at GRS that could help – thankfully they really are very responsive and within a half hour I have a call saying it was taken care of and Cooper confirmed receipt. Shortly after, I was called back with instructions to stay on my current dosage (which was upped to 6 pills daily after my first lining check) with another scan on Thursday. My IPs and I had asked Cooper on Monday if they’d be willing to let me transfer at a thinner lining and were told yes! So Terri showed the RE my ultrasound results and I was told that we should be good to go by Thursday, they just want me over a 6mm!! Oh my gosh!! I got so excited when she said that!!! I will believe it when I “see” it – but I am excited for sure!!

I went back and looked over my cycling history:
June/July 2006 CD16 8mm, fluid filled - canceled
Mock July/August 2006 CD19 9mm TL, fluid filled - canceled
Aug/Sept 2006 CD14 6.7mm (deteriorated after that) - canceled
Oct/Nov 2006 CD15 7-8mm IE (TRANSFERRED)
Jan/Feb 2008 CD11 8-9mm, irregular pattern; CD14 6.9mm IE, fluid filled - canceled
April/May 2008 CD17 6.6 TL, deteriorated after that – canceled

So I should definitely be able to get over a 6mm with a good lining pattern – here’s hoping and praying for GREAT news tomorrow!!